


I’m not saying I want you to

by buckbng



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Buddie (Relationship), First Kiss, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, and yet in all the buddie fics im writing he gets hurt, buck is once again putting himself down for no reason, first buddie fic kinda nervous, he deserves better, idk where I was going with this, whoops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:21:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22550005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buckbng/pseuds/buckbng
Summary: Buck is still blaming himself for everything, Eddie plans to go out on a “date” with Lena and the two talk about relationships.Somewhere along the way, some unspoken feelings may have slipped out.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 12
Kudos: 350





	I’m not saying I want you to

**Author's Note:**

> hey!  
> this is my first buddie fic i finished and also the first fic i‘ve posted on here so don’t expect too much!. i’m still fairly new to it and have to warn you this will probably suck. but, i still hope you enjoy!  
> i’d love to see some feedback on this so leave kudos or leave me a comment!  
> thanks and enjoy :) <3

It’s bullshit, thinks Buck.

It’s bullshit that whenever he’s close to confessing his feelings for Eddie, whom is still very clearly and obviously straight, and he backs out, people tell him he shouldn’t be scared because Eddie would never leave him over this, or anything else.

(People, being Maddie, since she’s the only one to know about his feelings- or, well, the only one who he has openly confessed it to, at keast.)

It’s bullshit because Eddie left him when he filed the lawsuit. For some fucking reason everyone seems to forget how easily Buck is to leave. He’s not irreplaceable or special and he’s certainly not enough for Eddie. Eddie deserves the world, and more, and Buck is just not even close to that. Buck is immature and stubborn and reckless and he doesn’t think before he does. Eddie has realized that. He must have, after the whole lawsuit debacle and even after the tsunami, in which he had managed to lose Eddie’s son, and endager the small kid’s life, something he’s not sure he’ll ever forgive himself for.

He hadn’t thought. And he hadn’t been enough. He knows he fought for Chris, knows better than anyone that there was not a minute that passed where he wasn’t thinking about Chris and his safety, but even with that knowledge, it’s not enough. Because he hadn’t been able to find him back and keep him safe.

Buck had not only failed Chris that day but also Eddie. And somehow, he managed to keep doing just that. Eddie hadn’t even trusted Buck enough to tell him about his or Christopher’s problems. He’d gone to Bosko instead, and it resulted in an even worse situation. Bosko, who he had known for what couldn’t be longer than a total of 2 days, got to know about their problems and specifically Christopher’s before Buck. And, yes, _he knows,_ he knows he fucked up and it was his own fault in the end, but it still really fucking stung.

It’s not fair towards himself either, though, and he knows that too, despite everything. Somewhere deep down he knows that. It had been Eddie’s decision not to tell Buck, and he will not believe for a second that he’s ever given off the impression that Eddie couldn’t talk to him about his problems. So Eddie should have known.

He should have known that the only reason he filed that stupid lawsuit in the first place was because he was trying to get back to him and Christopher, to his family at the 118.

He should have known that Buck is completely, head-over-heels, stupidly smitten and infatuated with his dumb ass and yet here they are.

Eddie’s still not aware, and also seemingly the least bit concerned with that particular information at the moment. While Buck is on the sofa in Eddie’s living room, the man in question is getting ready for a very casual (and if you asked him to his face, not a,) date with Lena Bosko.

Buck will admit he’s reluctant to let Eddie go and enjoy his night with the woman while Buck watches Christopher. It’s nothing that has to do with the kid, if anything, watching Chris will be the highlight of his week, but more with what they were going to do. Buck knows it may sound slightly ridiculous and stupid, Eddie being an adult male perfectly capable of making his own decisions, he still can’t help but think about how bad of an influence Bosko is on Eddie. While the man would probably never admit it to your face, he’s a huge softie and he’s anything but looking for trouble. Lena Bosko is the exact opposite (as far as Buck is aware). He doesn’t trust it.

Her and her thinking had been enough to make him go down the wrong path before, so who’s to say it couldn’t happen again?

If that little fact alone doesn’t leave him gnawing on his lip, thinking of how even after everything that Eddie risked by listening to Lena and going down that path, he still wants to spend time with her. Rather than with Buck, the one who would do anything for him and his son. The one who would risk it all, not the one Eddie is risking it all for.

“Bucky, look, I made a drawing!” Chris interrupts Buck’s thoughts, a huge grin breaking out on his red-cheeked face. “It’s me, daddy and you, all together. For always.” He mumbles into his hand, his giggle momentarily silencing the last words.

He himself didin’t know it was possible but Buck’s heart breaks and swells at the same time. If only it could be that easy. He would never leave, he’d stay for as long as they would have him. If that’s forever, they can count Buck in. He’s not scared of forever. He’d do just about anything for forever.

“That’s awesome, buddy! You can tell your dad that you don’t take after him when it comes to drawing, okay?” He whispers stage-like, grinning at Chris’ confused face. “He kinda sucks, so.” Buck says, cupping a hand to Chris’ ear in a way he knows will make the kid giggle loudly.

And he does. Buck once again feels his heart swelling in his chest, and he swears he could remain in this moment for days. Probably years, actually. Maybe forever if he’s being honest with himself. The moment is gone, however, when he hears someone clear their throat in the corner of the room, and he moves his head to the sound of the noise.

It’s Eddie, of course, who else would it be, and there’s a few things Buck notices. First of all, he’s probably been there for quite a while, judging by the way he’s slumped against the doorframe, arms crossed in what seems like a comfortable posture. Secondly, his face is angel-like. He means, Eddie is smiling so fondly and content like that it looks almost divine. He’s always looked carved by the gods, but now it’s not just his body. Third- and also lastly, he looks really fucking good. Like, _really_ , really good. Gorgeous, even. His clothes cling to body in a way that should be considered illegal, and with the hair that he’s recently been growing out again, he looks just about picture-perfect.

His thoughts come crushing down immediately. He did that for Lena, he looks that way for Lena, not for Buck. It stings in his chest, almost like a silent reminder to himself to stop staring. He’s grateful if anything, it was probably starting to get creepy. He can defend himself, though. Eddie had been there for a while too, he’d probably also been staring. They’re even.

“Well, well, Casanova, you do clean up nicely.” Buck grins widely, turning just slightly so he can comfortably make eye contact with the other man.

“As do you, I really.. like your necklace. Very alluring.” Eddie hums, a soft grin slowly pulling at his lips, while his eyes flicker from Buck’s face to his neck consecutively.

Buck blushes bashfully, like he’s been caught, and looks down at the macaroni necklace Chris had put on him just half an hour ago.

“Why thank you! A very famous designer made it especially for me. It’s nothing you could afford, though, so don’t worry your pretty little head about it.” Behind him, he hears Christopher let out a loud giggle, which makes calling Eddie pretty in front of him all worth it. If he wasn’t blushing before, he certainly was now, but it all seemed pretty cynical. He hopes Eddie will take it as such.

“Pretty, huh? Can’t say I’ve been called that before. Always a first time for everything,” Eddie smirks back in reply, a certain smugness underlying his words that Buck doesn’t know the meaning to. Before he can think too much of it, though, Eddie is speaking again, this time a frown pulling at his lips. “Also, I told you already, it’s not like that, Buck. She’s not even- And I’m already- Well, it’s- it’s just not, okay? Tell me right now if I need to call Carla, ‘cause I will. I’m done with your a-“ He huffs, a hint of a smile pulling at his lips.

Buck interrupts him before he can finish that sentence, gesturing subtly towards a coloring Christopher at the living room table. “Okay, okay, I get it. I’m sorry. I’m just hyping you up, man. I mean, it’s been a while for you, all I’m saying is, you should maybe try to dip your toe back into the pool, ya know? The pool being dating.”

“I think I got that,” Eddie snorts, walking to the kitchen and grabbing two beers, one of which he hands to Buck while taking a seat next to him on the couch. “It’s not like it hasn’t been a while for you, either. Why aren’t you back in the pool, huh? Think I smell a bit of hypocrisy there.”

“Hey, that’s different!” Buck defends, not actually managing to finish with why it was different. He could say something like, “I’ve been in love with your stupid ass for years now, is that a good enough reason?” but he’s not even sure himself if it is. He should probably be back in to pool, really, trying to get over Eddie and the something they never were. Except, he can’t make himself. He’s too optimistic and too overthinking. Always thinking of what-if’s, “What if Eddie did like me back?” or “What if Eddie gets with someone else because he doesn’t think he has a chance with Buck?”.

So, yeah, optimistic.

“How exactly is that any different from my situation?” Eddie huffs, turning to Buck fully now, an interested yet subtly annoyed glint in his eyes.

Buck opens his mouth, a smile growing on his lips and stops to think. He really shouldn’t say this. He won’t say it. Even if the other man wasn’t already going on a — despite numerous protests, still definitely a - date, he wouldn’t do that to Eddie. He doesn’t want to put him in that situation. He knows Eddie would have to gently let him down, which is about one of the worst feelings in the world, and could only be worse when it’s your own best friend. _Plus_ , he’d have to find a way for Buck and Chris to be able to communicate normally, because while the distance had been there before, he knows Eddie and knows he’d never take them fully apart from one another. No matter the circumstances.

Which, would be difficult in this case. Extremely difficult.

So he shuts his mouth, presses his lips down in a soft and pursed smile that he hopes will satisfy Eddie enough. “It’s not. You’re right, I should get back into dating. It’s just- been a while, and I don’t know if I’m ready, yet, after Ali. I guess.” It doesn’t sound very convincing to his own ears either, but he hopes Eddie’s too preoccupied to notice- or care.

It’s silent for a moment, then- “I’m not saying I want you to.” It’s barely a whisper, more a mumble that sounds like he hadn’t even meant to say it out loud. Buck turns to Eddie, whose eyes are cast down on what looks like a particularly interesting piece of thread on the sofa.

Buck feels himself frown, because, what? What does that even mean? Had he heard that correctly or was his mind just making up responses for Eddie at this point? Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise him.

“What?” Buck says, more like repeats the ongoing mantra in his head.

“I said-“, Eddie starts, breathing out harshly. “That- that I’m not saying I want you to.” He huffs, retreating back to almost a whisper.

“Want me to what?” Buck knows he’s playing slightly dumb at this point, but you can’t blame the guy. He’s never noticed any kind of sign that Eddie might not want him to date someone else, which, the reason why not, you can think for yourself, and now all of a sudden he’s speaking it out in the open like it’s been a known fact! Buck had _not_ known. And it had definitely not been a fact to him.

Eddie huffs, again, like it’s a ritual at this point. It only reminds Buck that Eddie thinks he’s insufferably irritating, because his mind only supplies him with negative thoughts. He knows that that’s not entirely true, though, so that’s at least something. “To date. I’m not saying... That I want you to date just anyone.” Eddie speaks up, now more of an actual response. Buck, who is slightly stunned and also still trying to figure out what exactly that means for them, is not able to answer for at least ten seconds. It clearly agitates Eddie, who speaks up rather forcefully. “I don’t know where I was going with that, just forget i-“

“No! I don’t want to. Forget it. I’m- I mean, hell, I don’t want you to date just anyone either. Whatever that means.” Buck breathes, feeling himself flush up to his jaw. He’s also lying, a bit. He knows what it means, for him. Just doesn’t know if it means the same for Eddie.

Also doesn’t know if he’s brave enough to find out.

Before he can think on it, though, Eddie’s already giving him the answer he‘s looking for.

“I think you know what it means..” He whispers, slowly shifting his gaze up to Buck’s eyes fully, as if scared of the expression he’d find on Buck’s face at his own words. Buck wants to assure him that it’s okay and it’s not a big deal and they’re okay, but, well, he’s scared too. Scared he’s misinterpreting the entire thing. Eddie has never been a man of expressing many emotions or feelings very freely, so when he does, it’s confusing to Buck. He feels like he’s missing a key part of the conversation if it results in that.

“Yeah, I-I do,” Buck smiles softly, but it fails to reach his eyes. He searches Eddie’s again, and then exhales. “It means that I, as your best friend, want the best for you. Because you deserve it, Eds.” He says, with every word slipping past his lips, a piece of his heart crumbling away. “And that’s hard, you know, because.. Because if there’s _anyone_ you deserve, it’s yourself. So.. It’s gonna be difficult being your wingman, dude.”

“My- _what_? What are you- Buck, what?” Eddie sits upright suddenly, like he’d been sitting on a pile of hot coals. His face is scrunched up so harshly, Buck’s afraid he might do some damage. His face then slowly falters, falls back into it’s original form. His friend exhales, then goes to stand up. “You know what, Buck, I’ve- I’ve gotta go. It’s, I have to go meet Lena, okay? Sorry. Have a good rest of your night, man, I’ll be back somewhere around midnight but don’t bother staying up, make yourself at home.” Eddie smiles, then turns, leaving to the hallway where he rushes to put on his coat.

Buck breathes, as if he’d been holding his breath during the entire conversation with Eddie. He feels like shit. Eddie looks like he didn’t benefit from his choice of response in the slightest, if anything he looks worse than before.

“Eddie, wait, _wait_ ,” Buck gets up, moving to join Eddie in the hallway. They’re a fair few feet apart, probably best, but Buck takes a step closer. There’s barely any space left between their chests now. “Eddie, don’t go. _Please_?”

“Buck, just- I get it, okay? You think she’s not good enough for me, you’re trying to be all- _bro-ish_ and- just, just don’t, okay? You don’t like her, it’s fine, but she’s my friend. And I’m gonna hang out with her, no matter what. I’m not looking to date her, Buck, okay? And even if I were, I’d appreciate it if you’d just let me. Let me decide who’s right for me. I appreciate you being my friend, and you know I-“

“Me! I’m right for you, you should be with me.” Buck interrupts Eddie, breathing out loudly. He’s more aware than ever now how close they’re standing together. Only normally this proximity is not unusual for them. “I’m your wingman, Eddie, and I’m telling you, you should be with me. Okay? First step is not to go out tonight. Not with Lena, but actually, really just not with anyone-“ He chuckles nervously, before letting out a surprised yelp at a pair of lips pressing against his own.

Buck lets his eyes close on their own accord, fingers moving without himself noticing, running through Eddie’s recently grown hair. The latter huffs in response, the hot air dissapearing straight into Buck’s mouth. It’s just lips and air at first, but then they’re slowly adding tongue and then suddenly they’re making out and Buck is being pushed against the door and his pants are growing way too tight for the fact that only a room away from them, Christopher is innocently drawing another stickmen representation of the men in question.

He’s not proud of it. But, _God_ , does he want Eddie right now.

The other man seems to read his mind, however, when he steps back with a grunt. If Buck chases his lips a little after that, he just keeps it to himself. “Can’t, Christopher, there.” Eddie’s words come out in brackets, each layered in heavy breaths. He points loosely somewhere in the direction of the living room, except his eyes are solely focused on Buck’s lips.

Which Buck realizes now, are quite swollen and red. There’s no way he doesn’t look completely dazed and fucked out right now, absolutely no way. He touches his lips with his fingertips as if to prove his own point.

Eddie grunts again, a response to Buck’s movement, murmurs something along the lines of “you drive me crazy.”, and pulls Buck in for another chaste kiss.

And that’s exactly what it is. Chaste. Quick. Also, delightfully soft and delicate as if Eddie was afraid Buck would break. Which, to be fair, was not all that far from the truth.

Eddie leans back again, a smile blooming across his lips in an exceptionally fond way. “You’re a pretty good wingman after all, huh?” He mumbles, and Buck grins in response, a flush coming up to his hairline. “You’re right, though. I should be with you. I’m gonna cancel tonight with Lena and then you, me and Christopher are gonna to watch a movie together. Sound good?”

Buck rubs his chin thoughtfully, as if pretending to think. “Hmm, as long as it isn’t Inside Out again,” He hums, but stops when he sees the look across Eddie’s face. It reads something along the lines of, “you’d do anything for that kid and you know it.”. And well, he’s not wrong. Buck huffs, “Fine, I know, shut up.”

Eddie chuckles, cheeks flushed softly, and runs his hand down Buck’s head to his neck. “It’s cute. Don’t worry about it. Now go tell Chris the news, I know you’ve been waiting to do it.” Buck grins, pressing a soft kiss against Eddie’s lips before turning around to get into the living room.

Eddie moves so he’s back against the thresold of the door, arms crossed over top each other and a gracious smile stretching across his face.

When he sees Buck crouched down next to Christopher, his son’s excited face and the embrace the two share, he knows.

He’s really the luckiest man in the world to have fallen for his best friend, have him feel the same and also feel the same amount of love and intensity that he feels for his son.

He’s kind of grateful for his own stupid ass sometimes.

**Author's Note:**

> hi! 
> 
> if you read this to the end, thanks a lot! lemme know what u think of it :) also, i’m definitely planning on posting more (mainly buddie) fics on here so stay tuned if you’re interested! 
> 
> have a good day/night <3


End file.
